This is an ode to plastic bottles swelling with ice, skies pressed apart by white foam, and steam gleaming where there used to be blue arches starched across the daytime steeples. This is an ode to rain forests and cassette tapes draped in black tangles over green like roads, exploding their winding way from civilization. |
Author's Comments
O rainforest,
I dreamed I mailed you Azerbaijani balabans on which the sakis played. But Apricot wood would not grow under the basket of canopy trees. In support of ~boundpoems and the challenge to write a three-stanza poem with end-beginning line rhyme. the third stanza is written in invisible font so I copied it down here (well up above). Rhyming without internal fixed structure makes me nervous. Comments
And an even better thing about it being short is that I can write it without getting bored either!
 I'm a lazy poet.  Lazy poet, hah, that made me remember something stupid |D. You're certainly not lazy with your critiques, as far as I can tell...
You're lazy with our RP, though  Don't kill me just ignore me.-- A place for Jerkass Literate Roleplayers I do commissions! Critiquing lets me unwind. You don't want me wound up and writing posts. Promise.
 We will. Don't worry about it though |D... I was just being paranoid that you were tired of the RP 'cause my last few posts weren't very good and... uh... x__x... I'll shut up now.
-- A place for Jerkass Literate Roleplayers I do commissions!  I think I'm going to have to give up on the notion of actually critiquing your poetry. It is a style of writing that I greatly admire but could never hope to reproduce, so I don't think I could offer any truly useful criticism.
I will say though, that I agree with the above commenters that your rhythm is lovely. It took me a couple minutes to realize what you meant by "end-beginning line rhyme" but when I finally clued in, I was quite awed. Your imagery is amazing too. I love "rain forests and cassette tapes / draped in black tangles over green like roads" in particular. (On a side note, crazy to think we're likely the last generation to be able to just picture that without having to look something up...) And sorry, kelly--bean, but I disagree: I like the linebreak just where it is. It works wonderfully rhythmically, and I think it also works in terms of the sort of feeling of things being disjointed, or not quite connecting, or not quite whole/together/solid that I'm (quite possibly mistakenly) reading within this poem. Overall, lovely. Thanks so much for sharing it  You should have posted this as a critique! Really, never hesitate on my pages. Your comment on the haiku was beyond helpful and this is much better than 5/6ths of what I see being posted as a critique around the site. Never hesitate.
And never think that your comments are anything less than adored. I'm grateful to have a reader like you. On a side note, crazy to think we're likely the last generation to be able to just picture that without having to look something up... You're right. That is a stunning thought: two parts eerie, one part sad, one part amusing. So strange. How I love hearing from you; thank you.  We're very friendly, you'll find (well, some
 ) and we're terrifyingly verbose too!    I really like the disparate elements you combined here.
Gotta agree with the critiquer about the "this" bit. Great work. -- Me: I would be terrified if someone asked me to make a family tree. Me: and all the cousins I mean? that's JUST my mother's side. <annika235>that wouldnt be a tree <annika235>it's a FOREST  I do like this, it's very clever the way you've wrote it and the images it conveys. I love the "cassette tapes
draped in black tangles"...Amazing! I don't quite understand it but I guess that's a great link between the theme of the poem and the title, well done! I love the emotions from it too. -- Dazed by the look in your eye Sammie Nikki Farrell  |
|
Community News129 400 Warming Christmas And Winter Images*rebeka-anne
 reports, 22h 58m agoA Collection of seasonal art of all mediums and genres, and from artists of all ages and talents from well seasoned experts to beginners. 98 Diversity Feature*nothingbuteverything
 reports, 1d 18h agoArt is so diverse, but we can appreciate it all! Showing the diverse talents of my watchers to the world! 66 wishing you happy holidays...*enemy-89
 reports, 1d 6h agoa wonderful collection-photography,digital and traditional works from my friends,from watchers and from people randomly found on dA.enjoy! 55 Daily Literature Deviations - December 24, 2009=DailyLitDeviations
 reports, 1d 18h agoDaily Literature Deviations is a group that is dedicated to bringing literature to the forefront of the deviantArt community. We attempt to accomplish this by daily featuring Literature artists from around the community that deserve the recognition, but are not getting it. Each day we will feature 5 deviations from the Literature categories in a News Article. In order to support the artists that we feature, we ask that you  the news article as well as check out the individual pieces. We understand that each day you may not be able to check out each and every one of the pieces, everyone has their own things going on. We just ask that you make an attempt to help support the growing Literature community.53 DeviantART loves winter and christmas! FEATURE=PierreDevlin
 reports, 1d 16h agoHave a great time everyone and please fav this article so as many people can see the featured works. I would recommend seeing each one and faving them too. 52 It is Christmas in the heart...*6igella
 reports, 12h 30m agoIt is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air. Big photography feature about Christmas, full of wonderful works and wise christmas quotations. Happy holidays to you! |
PollWhat is your favorite holiday tradition? |
deviantART Loves You
Deviously serving the art and skin community for 3,427 days.
Only 225 days until our tenth birthday!
|
Deviousness
^Ikue has been a devious member of our community for almost 7 years and in this time he has proven to be nothing short of dedicated and devoted. Whilst volunteering his time over the last 22 months as a Gallery Moderator within the Community Relations Team, Chris has brought the Vector gallery and many vector artists directly into the spotlight. ^Ikue's commitment to the community is evident in everything he touches and you can always find him reaching out to others with an encouraging word. Chris is a natural leader with a vibrant and empathic personality, and is a role model for deviants everywhere. It's ev... Read More
|
Report a Policy Violation
Follow us on Twitter
Become a fan on Facebook
Critiques
Usually the title is placed as an afterthought in most poetry, but yours seemed like a lot of thought went into making sure the title was as important as the poem itself.
The juxtaposition of man made entities against nature to create imagery really stood out to me in this poem.
Particularly the image of "...rain forests and cassette tapes draped in black tangles over green like roads..." To me it is a very powerful image that will probably never leave me due to it's memorability.
The break between the end of the fourth line, "This" and the beginning of the fifth line "is an ode..." sort of threw me off a bit.
I understand that you're starting a new idea by breaking it off into a new stanza, but I feel that this would have been better achieved if the "This" had been carried down to the fifth line to make it flow better.
Aside from that I feel that it is a wonderful poem and that you have a fabulous talent for creating powerful imagery in the minds of your readers.
Previous PageNext PageThank you for your Critique
You are not logged in.