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Amalgamation by =nycterent:iconnycterent:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Fixed


This is an ode to plastic bottles swelling with ice,
skies pressed apart by white foam, and steam
gleaming where there used to be blue arches
starched across the daytime steeples. This

is an ode to rain forests and cassette tapes
draped in black tangles over green like roads,
exploding their winding way from civilization.
©2009 =nycterent
:iconnycterent:

Author's Comments

O rainforest,
I dreamed I mailed you Azerbaijani balabans
on which the sakis played. But Apricot wood
would not grow under the basket of canopy
trees.

In support of ~boundpoems and the challenge to write a three-stanza poem with end-beginning line rhyme. the third stanza is written in invisible font so I copied it down here (well up above).

Rhyming without internal fixed structure makes me nervous.

Critiques


:iconkelly--bean:
=kelly--bean Apr 4, 2009, 12:58:27 PM
First of all your choice of title was well chosen because it contributes to the meaning and understanding of the poem as opposed to just acting as a title.

Usually the title is placed as an afterthought in most poetry, but yours seemed like a lot of thought went into making sure the title was as important as the poem itself.

The juxtaposition of man made entities against nature to create imagery really stood out to me in this poem.

Particularly the image of "...rain forests and cassette tapes draped in black tangles over green like roads..." To me it is a very powerful image that will probably never leave me due to it's memorability.

The break between the end of the fourth line, "This" and the beginning of the fifth line "is an ode..." sort of threw me off a bit.

I understand that you're starting a new idea by breaking it off into a new stanza, but I feel that this would have been better achieved if the "This" had been carried down to the fifth line to make it flow better.

Aside from that I feel that it is a wonderful poem and that you have a fabulous talent for creating powerful imagery in the minds of your readers. ;P
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.
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:iconcatwoman4ever:
=CatWoman4ever Apr 3, 2009, 2:19:33 PM
I don't think I've ever critiqued a poem before, but I shall try my best! :D

In my opinion, (1st stanza, line 3) a comma would have been appropriate after "arches". While it looks okay reading it in my head, after reading it aloud, the short pause the comma offers would have added more power to lines 3 and 4. That pause, although short, places emphasis on the image you are trying to create.

Also, a comma (2nd stanza, line 1) after "tapes" would have also been a good idea for the same reasons listed above.

There really isn't much to critique about your poem. The sensory language is great and I really like the rhythm you established. The critique I could offer only came in the form of reading it aloud. Things sound differently when you read it in your head compared to reading aloud. If you were reading your work to someone that, punctuation is crucial. The pauses that it offers really does add to the mood of the piece. Those commas really do help to "empower" your work.

Try reading this piece aloud as it is, then read it aloud with the commas where I mentioned. It really does add to the mood.

--
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:iconnycterent:
=nycterent Apr 3, 2009, 2:41:42 PM
Thank you very much for the wonderful and useful comment. You're right - I hadn't read this poem aloud yet, which is almost embarrasing because I always urge other to do that. :blush:

Thank you for pointing out those lines! I'll be combing over them and sticking punctuation with duct tape. I'm also very happy that you enjoyed it. :heart:

Your lovely comment is very very much appreciated. I'm grateful.
:iconnycterent:
=nycterent Apr 4, 2009, 1:05:01 PM
One of the reasons I like all those fantasy movies/vid games and pictures is when they take nature and technology and combine them into pretty tree houses and -

well, you know.

In real life, usually ends up just being smoggy.
:iconnycterent:
=nycterent Apr 4, 2009, 1:05:52 PM
I like hearing that. Art should be seductive. Should pull down the senses and have its way with them.

/heart
:iconnycterent:
=nycterent Apr 4, 2009, 1:06:07 PM
Thank you. That's a high compliment. :hug:
:iconnycterent:
=nycterent Apr 4, 2009, 1:06:26 PM
Victory!

Thank you. :heart:
:iconsimplistic-illusion:
*Simplistic-Illusion Apr 4, 2009, 3:04:06 PM
You're most definitely welcome :hug:

--
"Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
— e.e. cummings
:iconatticus-leyvaie:
=Atticus-LeyVaie Apr 4, 2009, 3:14:12 PM
:hug:

You're welcome.

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:iconcatwoman4ever:
=CatWoman4ever Apr 4, 2009, 4:57:41 PM
You are so very welcome! I was happy to help! It was a lot of fun to be able to give some advice on a literature piece. Maybe I'll take more time to venture into the literature community here. :)

--
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