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This is an ode to plastic bottles swelling with ice,
skies pressed apart by white foam, and steam
gleaming where there used to be blue arches
starched across the daytime steeples. This

is an ode to rain forests and cassette tapes
draped in black tangles over green like roads,
exploding their winding way from civilization.
©2009 =nycterent
:iconnycterent:

Author's Comments

O rainforest,
I dreamed I mailed you Azerbaijani balabans
on which the sakis played. But Apricot wood
would not grow under the basket of canopy
trees.


In support of ~boundpoems and the challenge to write a three-stanza poem with end-beginning line rhyme. the third stanza is written in invisible font so I copied it down here (well up above).

Rhyming without internal fixed structure makes me nervous.

Critiques


:iconkelly--bean:
First of all your choice of title was well chosen because it contributes to the meaning and understanding of the poem as opposed to just acting as a title.

Usually the title is placed as an afterthought in most poetry, but yours seemed like a lot of thought went into making sure the title was as important as the poem itself.

The juxtaposition of man made entities against nature to create imagery really stood out to me in this poem.

Particularly the image of "...rain forests and cassette tapes draped in black tangles over green like roads..." To me it is a very powerful image that will probably never leave me due to it's memorability.

The break between the end of the fourth line, "This" and the beginning of the fifth line "is an ode..." sort of threw me off a bit.

I understand that you're starting a new idea by breaking it off into a new stanza, but I feel that this would have been better achieved if the "This" had been carried down to the fifth line to make it flow better.

Aside from that I feel that it is a wonderful poem and that you have a fabulous talent for creating powerful imagery in the minds of your readers. ;P
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

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Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconphosphorene:
This is...depressing. Nature mixed with garbage dumps turned into a graveyard of all things...
I like the rhyming scheme, though. It's very subtle. =D

--
"You desire and do not take;
You love and you are too afraid to feel your love;
You are afraid to look inside your soul and see what you are.
That is why you are a liar."

--Arkan, Winterking (Alison Croggon's Pellinor series)
:iconaadea:
This might make me weird..weirder,
but sowhat,
I think it's seductive.
Like death by passion on the rainforest sauna floor,
growing and growing.

:heart:
:iconghrey:
A tie between the artificial overtaking the natural,
thick imagery
with a smooth glorification beyond it all.
your third stanza (hidden so in the artist's comments) utterly overwhelms me, not just in diction, but in the sadness it contains.

--
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
:icondemoninsanity:
I'm no good at critiquing poems at all |3. But I like what I see. Sort of like the things being written about, but also the image of someone in a dark lit room reading the poem... Yea. Haha. Ah well. It's short, which also means I can read it without getting bored :nod:.

--
A place for Jerkass Literate Roleplayers

I do commissions!
:iconsimplistic-illusion:
I've never read anything like this...and I like it :)

--
"Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
— e.e. cummings
:iconatticus-leyvaie:
this makes me feel gooood in a weird way haha

--
{o,o}...{o,o}
|)__) ♥ (__(|
-"-"- .... -"-"-
Icon by:=Lindserton<3333
⁂ IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. ⁂
:iconr-mitchell:
"Rhyming without internal fixed structure makes me nervous."
you've delivered well! it carries the piece along gently put consistently, and seems to reflect somehow the momentum of such images as the forests and the roads :)
:iconeatingmyownfears:
:nod:

--
Don't blame me.

I'm just here for the cookies.
:iconthejollymisanthrope:
I agree with that one person; it is oddly seductive. The subject matter isn't seductive however. I think you just got a good beat going there. You're pretty good.

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